Right Now I Hate Everything…Even Myself.


It’s been a few weeks since I’ve had the pleasure to sit down and type out my thoughts in blog form.  I tell myself it’s because I have my hands full, but if I’m being honest with myself, that’s not true. It’s because I feel, well,….stuck.

I know I’m not the only one out there experiencing these feelings that seem to keep me stuck.  Some days I want to shout from the rooftops and yell “HELP! IS ANYBODY OUT THERE!?”  And other days I just freeze up and stay in a somewhat numb state, telling myself “I can’t handle this anymore!” I start to sulk and play the victim with lines like “this was supposed to be such a wonderful, memorable time with my first born baby girl and it’s all so terrible!”

I’ve often taken on the attitude of “I hate everything.”…. “I hate the news. I hate the virus. I hate the masks. I hate social media. I hate the President. I hate Joe Biden. I hate conservatives. I hate liberals. I hate the world. I hate the movements. I hate what people think. In fact, I’m starting to hate people as a whole and even hate myself.”

This is SO uncharacteristic of me.  I love people. I love peace. I love joy. It’s where I thrive. And yet here I am, full of hate.  In times of uncertainty I’m supposed to turn to God (which I do in the morning and sometimes other times as well.)  But I’ve been turning to so many other things when my heart has gotten uncertain.

(There it is folks!)

I start turning to my phone, the news, social media etc. when I feel unsatisfied and there I find myself filling my mind with worthless garbage and then guess what comes out of me? Garbage!  It’s funny because I tell my kids that “what goes in must come out. So don’t fill your mind or your ears with crap TV and music.” And here I am, a full on hypocrite.

It’s this awful internal battle happening when I see what’s happening and I want to yell to people God’s truth (especially on social media) and I forget that some people just don’t want to hear it.

I learned a new verse this week, not just in reading but by experiencing. Oh isn’t that the most painful of all teachers? It says this…”Don’t give that which is holy to the dogs, neither throw your pearls before the pigs, lest perhaps they trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces.” (Matthew 7:6.) Jesus appears to be warning his disciples to preach only before receptive audiences.

Ouch! My audience surely was NOT receptive. I threw my pearls of wisdom to pigs and boy did they tear me to pieces!  So not only was I already feeling burdened because of what we are experiencing, I then was burdened because of the persecution I received.

There’s a good lesson here.  I kept lying to myself… or maybe it was satan (still not sure.)  But basically I was fooling myself to believe that persecution comes with the territory of being a Christian, so I kept putting myself out there.  And while it is true, we will be persecuted for our faith, it doesn’t mean we preach to those that never wanted to hear it in the first place.  Jesus and his disciples spoke to those that came to them with an open heart, seeking answers. We can plant a seed but not a whole sermon unless it’s asked of us.

I pray that my failure leads to you not making the same mistake.  Learn from me.

So with this post, I vow to do better. I vow to fill up on what is good!! Those things that are really good for my soul.  Bible time and coffee. My babies giggles. Watering my garden. Calling a friend.  Facetiming my parents. Lighting a delicious candle and just sitting in my favorite space with a book.  Making a good salad. Doing an awesome workout. Taking a walk and looking at the birds and the flowers and trees.  Sitting outside at night starting at the moon and the stars…..

My soul needs this reminder: while we are in these uncertain times, there is one thing we can be certain of: “God is Good, ALL.THE.TIME!”

God bless you and keep you. May his face shine upon you and be gracious to you… as He is and has always been to me.


PS. If you are like me and you’re feeling a little more persecuted then normal then our next virtual study is the study for you. We will put on the “Armor of God.” We start this coming Monday the 10th.
Yearly Membership: $10 click here to join

Protest From Home

Oh my heart the last few weeks! This feels like an uphill battle. But in all my questioning and confusion, it was clear to me that it’s a battle I shouldn’t ignore. And not just shouldn’t ignore but CAN’T ignore.  I went to bed thinking about my babies and wondered what the world would look like for them when they grow up.  It scared me honestly.  Until I realized,“the world will look the way we tell them it looks.” 

The world our children will live in, largely depends on us. From what we say to what we don’t say. Do we make it comfortable for them to ask questions or do we tip toe around the hard stuff?

I didn’t want to simply throw up a black square on my instagram and say “I’m muted so you can talk.”  But instead I wanted to start the conversation- like a real conversation and get responses.  “What can I do today to make the world a better place?” And the overwhelming response was “teach our children.”  So while some are in the streets protesting, I’m vowing to protest from home.  I’m doing it for my children and all God’s children. No matter what you believe, I think we can all agree that this world could look a whole lot better and a whole lot more loving.

Here’s How I’m Moving Forward:

I asked a beautiful black friend of mine “how can we change the way the next generation will think and act when it comes to race? I told her I don’t want my children to live in a world that displays so much hate and anger. And this is what she said:

“Don’t make it weird. I feel like it’s still weird in 2020 to have all colors in the home. Meaning, have black baby dolls in your home, read them stories with black characters, watch movies with them in it. This will show them that you love all colors of skin. Show them that it’s not taboo. Let them know we are different in color but love is love and you can love and appreciate everybody.”

It’s so important to pray but we have to put some action behind it. We have to solve the problem for our children and our children’s children.  We have a huge responsibility in this. God made each and everyone of us for His glory.  And I want to glorify that within these four walls.

Here are some books that we can buy our children to bridge the gap more and more.

I snagged all 4.

Back to Work

This week Neil went back to work and so did I! A stay at home mom IS work, am I right mama’s? Some of you even found that out first hand these last few months.

The day after Scarlett was born the whole world shut down and I had my husband home with me til now! I have to be honest, I was absolutely petrified last week for him to go back. I remember when I had Silas I was so overwhelmed. So now, even just thinking of what it would be like with a new born, a 2 year old and a 6 year old all by myself scared me to death.  And while I was blessed to have Neil home the last 3 months, in some ways it made me even more fearful to do this job.

But here is what I knew…I knew I had to do 3 things before I went into this to be successful. One, I needed to wake up this first week with a straightened home so I didn’t start the day off feeling out of sorts. Secondly, I needed to start my day early before the kids woke up to have my coffee, listen to worship music and talk to God alone. (Starting the day calm and peaceful would make all the difference.) And third, I needed to find our “rhythm”.

Spoiler Alert: I did!

What We Did:

I know how hard it can be finding a schedule that works, so I wanted to share what worked for us. Of course it won’t work for everyone but I know lots of mom’s looking for ways to do their day- especially when there is more then one child.

A day in the life:

  • 7 AM wake, coffee and quiet time for me.
  • 8 AM Kids up- breakfast for them while I tackle my daily chore (whether it’s laundry day, bathroom day, dust day etc I like to break it up)
  • 8:30 AM Let them watch a show and I get ready for the day and get out what they need to get them ready
  • 9:30 AM Get everyone else ready
  • 10/10:30 AM Get outside- whether a walk and the library or time at the pool- we just had to get out! The day it rained I made them change their scenery and play in the basement with all those toys they forget sometimes forget they have.
  • 12/12:30 PM Come home and have lunch and a little screen time
  • 1/1:30 PM Silas down for his nap while Jameson has the rest of his screen time for the day. (This is where I tackle anything I want to do)
  • 4 PM After nap, a little play time while I prep dinner
  • 5 PM Dinner Time
  • 6 PM After dinner, back outside for an hour
  • 7 PM The boys in for fun time in the tub while I clean up anything left from dinner and get PJ’s and Bottle ready
  • 8 PM Silas bottle and bedtime routine and Jameson has snack and TV time and then bed for him an hour later

**By the way, Scarlett was basically strapped to me in the Baby Bjorn most of the day unless she was eating, in her swing or sleeping. That thing is a lifesaver! I’m not sure i’d get much done without it.

So there it is…Hopefully you can use this to shape your day in a way that works for you.

Anyway guys, I couldn’t believe I did it. In finding my rhythm, I found even more of myself.  I found that what I once feared was actually something that empowered me. After that first day, I texted my mom and sister and said “I was so scared to do this alone but I killed it! I feel so accomplished!”

What God Taught Me:

God reminded me through this experience that challenges have the ability to change us and make us better. I’ve read the verse a million times in the book of James about this but sometimes we need to live it out many times before it sticks. It’s never easy to consider anything hard as joyful but we should. The verse reads:

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,[whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”

So ladies, here’s to the next time we have something challenging to face! That we always remember God will use it to make us braver, stronger, better and most importantly, more complete.

What I wore:

Casual look. Everything on sale!
Knotted Waffle Knit top. Comes in all different colors. Only $15!
This is a great one piece suit for postpartum belly’s. It holds you in and has ruching in the stomach. It also comes with removable straps which my hair is covering. Comes in multiple colors and prints!

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